Sad to say, but we’ve arrived at the point where Scary Eagle Man is the only sensible choice.

That’s because Gerald Malloy is running for the Republican Congressional nomination against hyper-manly-man Mark Coester, seen here in an AI-generated video purportedly wagging his finger in U.S. Rep. Becca Balint’s face. I’d dare him to try that in real life. He’d find out just how scrappy that little dyke can be.

And if the Republican primary electorate chooses Coester over Malloy, then we’ll know for sure that Gov. Phil Scott’s version of Republicanism is well and truly dead. Because if there was any doubt about whether Coester is a certified far-right whack job [Narrator: “There wasn’t“], he removed it in one brief conversation with Seven Days’ Kevin McCallum.

In said conversation, he addressed McCallum as a “libtard fuck,” and later added this gem: “These commie fucks in Vermont pass whatever garbage fuckin’ laws they want to. They can do what and they can kiss my ass…”

As a loyal member of the Vermont Commie Fucks Club, let me say I am honored to be a target of Mr. Coester’s spittle-flecked outburst. (Disclosure: I’m just guessing about the spittle, but I think I’m on safe ground.)

To his credit, VTGOP chair Paul Dame quickly rolled out a statement condemning Coester’s “coarse and vulgar” language, but he quickly pivoted to both-sidesism by equating Coester’s statement to Balint’s 2025 remark about immigrants “wiping our asses.” (From all appearances, Dame probably uses that video clip as self-pleasuring material.) His conclusion: Both Coester and Balint are equally unfit, presumably leaving Scary Eagle Man as the only option?

For those keeping score, that’s one “ass” from Balint compared to Coester’s ass, fuck, fucks, and fuckin’. Plus “libtard,” which is not technically an obscenity but it is a definite slur — and includes an unfortunate callback to a certain outdated term for the mentally challenged. So no, I don’t buy Dame’s both-sidesism, but I guess he had to do something to redirect attention from the rabid freakazoid who might well carry the Republican banner into November.

And if anybody complains, there is plenty of evidence that Coester is, indeed, a rabid freakazoid. That’s not a slur, it’s an accurate characterization.

Also for those keeping score, this is the second time the Republican establishment has had to condemn Coester’s antics. If Republican voters ignore all of this, well, then we know where the VTGOP’s heart lies.

The main topic of McCallum’s article was an AI-generated video apparently produced by “Planet” Hank Poitras, the decidedly unhinged chair of the Windham County Republicans, that’s an over-the-top attack on Balint. If you want details, read McCallum’s piece. I will mention that on Coester’s Facebook page, he posts (four separate times) another AI video from Poitras attacking Balint, so Coester and “Planet Hank” share a common, and absolutely bananas, worldview. We await Paul Dame’s condemnation of Mr. Poitras.)

Going down the Coester rabbit hole did expose me to the he-manniest, most overcompensatin’ campaign video I’ve ever seen. Somehow it didn’t include guns, but in one minute of run time it did showcase Mr Coester…

• Climbing into a giant tractor
• Engaging in a manly handshake with a fellow Real Vermonter (ballcap, work shirt, and gut)
• Driving a different tractor down a two-lane road
• Walking out of a sugar house
• Striding through the woods
• Standing hat in hand with an American flag in the background
• Conversing with another Real Vermonter (ballcap and gut)
• Massaging a cow (don’t ask)
• Striding through the woods again
• Starting up a chainsaw and cutting down a dead tree
• Working in the sugar house
• Driving a tractor again
• Driving the same tractor, yet again
• Sitting in a gazebo chatting up a few elderly white folks
• Striding through the woods carrying a chainsaw and an axe

All of these quick cuts play out over a generic guitar-rock soundtrack while a professional voiceover artist (or possibly AI stand-in) praises the hardworkin’ Mr. Coester and the virtues of rural Vermont’s traditions. For a guy who barely campaigned at all in his previous political misadventures, Coester suddenly has some money to play with. We look forward to his next campaign finance report to find out where it came from.

Oh, I also learned how to pronounce “Coester.” The first syllable rhymes with “Curse,” a bit on the nose for a guy who litters his on-the-record comments with f-bombs. It’s “CURSE-ter,” which sounds a bit foreign if you ask me.

At one point, the voiceover artist informs us that “Mark cares for all Vermonters.” Later in the video, Coester says he cares “for all Vermont citizens,” so get the hell out of here, you goddamn foreign pretenders. I think further amendment is called for, considering that Coester’s Facebook page includes at least one piece of virulent anti-transgender garbage. Somehow I doubt he’s a friend of the LGBTQ+ community, even the ones who are, you know, real Vermonters.

So there you have it, Republican primary voters. Your choices are this dude or Scary Eagle Man. I’m not trying to sell you on the virtues of Gerald Malloy, but a vote cast against Mark Coester is a vote for a semblance of political sanity.