As you may recall, the Vermont Republican Party has scheduled a rally/fundraiser for mid-January in Barre. Food, fun, silent auction, speeches, all yours for a generous donation to the VTGOP.
Oh, and also: the event is billed as a salute to US military veterans.
“Salute” and that’s about all. They won’t be sharing the proceeds with a veterans’ charity. They aren’t even asking attendees to write a separate check to a vets’ cause. Instead, they are urging people to “bring an unwanted Christmas gift or purchase an article of clothing to be donated to local veteran organizations.”
Yeah, show a vet you care with the worst item you found under your tree.
But some Republicans might be left in the lurch. What if they don’t get any bad gifts, so they have nothing to offer? Well, as a public service for those unfortunates, theVPO hereby provides some truly terrible suggestions. Let’s start with something practical.
Ah yes, get yourself all clean and ship-shape with a truly disturbing bath accessory. You fill the big plastic nose with green (of course) shower gel, and when you squeeze the nostrils, a gob of “snot” soap comes out. Hahaha.
And here’s something for the bedroom.
That’s right, a combination alarm clock and Teflon griddle. Just the thing for those veterans with such bad PTSD that they can’t get out of bed in the morning. Why get up at all, when you can fix yourself a hearty breakfast without your feet touching the floor?
We know that many war-scarred vets have to deal with substance abuse issues. Too often, they turn to drugs or alcohol to dull the pain. Well, why not give ’em a hand?
No longer will your favorite vet have to stumble all the way to the fridge every time he needs a top-up. He’ll have a six-pack or more right at his fingertips.
What if your veteran likes to travel? Or maybe he’s a phone call away from his sixth deployment to a war zone? This item will help keep his valuables secure.
This abomination of consumer culture is called the BriefSafe. It’s a pair of underwear with a hidden pocket for your passport, cash, etc. Which, hey, not often you can combine discomfort with the embarrassment of going into a store and having to fish your money out of your undies. But the real topper is that the briefs look like they’ve been disgustingly soiled, so pickpockets will be afraid to touch your stuff.
Speaking of “soiled,” here’s a handy-dandy item for the dog-owning veteran.
Yes, you can eliminate all the bother of cleaning up after your dog. All you have to do is wrestle this contraption onto Fido’s carcass, make sure the bag is centered under his sphincter, and you’re good to go. Er, the dog is good to go. What you do with the “used” bag, well, that’s your problem.
But just a minute, you might be saying. We live in an age when women can serve in our armed forces. What about a terrible gift idea for the gals?
I’m so glad you asked.
Because remember, nothing says “dignity” like a sweater with comical boobies.
Finally, in the category of “????”, we offer without comment:
You know, if the Chinese hold Americans in contempt, it’s most likely because so many of them toil in sweatshops, turning out crap like this for the U.S. market.
Anyway, there you go: a treasury of unforgettable holiday gifts to offer a worthy veteran.
You’re welcome, Vermont Republicans.