The most annoying thing about the Qanon/anti-mask/Forever Trumpers is not their ideological rigidity or their passionate devotion to a lying cheating grifter. It’s that they talk like warriors ready to fight to the death when in fact they are…

… complete cowards.

You see this everywhere you look in Trumpland, starting with Captain Bone Spurs himself. Here’s a guy who loves to talk tough, but when it’s fightin’ time he scuttles away like a cockroach under a heat lamp. Remember all those draft deferments? Remember every time he urged supporters to physically attack someone — while he himself stayed out of the mosh pit? Remember on January 6 when he said “we” were marching to the Capitol?

Yeah, he went back to the White House to watch it all on the teevee.

Likewise all those Bravehearts who stormed the Capitol to stop Biden from stealing the election, hang Mike Pence, and do God knows what to Nancy Pelosi and The Squad.

They vowed to fight until their dying breaths for their big lumpy hero. But when they get arrested and face the tiniest bit of consequences? They fall all over themselves forswearing their sacred principles. “I got caught up in the mob.” “Trump made me do it.” One told the judge he went to the Capitol because he got bored sitting around at home. Now there’s an axiom to die for!

How about the QAnon Shaman? He went from “hang the traitors lurking among us” to being ““truly, truly repentant of my actions” and promising to “never re-offend again.” Or Danny Rodriguez, who went from storming the Capitol and tasing the police to breaking down in tears during an interrogation and calling himself “a fucking piece of shit.”

There’s another way these folks are big-time weenies. Their idea of oppression is, to put it mildly, underwhelming. Their idea of authoritarianism would make Joe Stalin do a spit take. They constantly see themselves as long-suffering victims of the slightest inconvenience.

Take Mike Bielawski, Boy Reporter for the right-wing “news” site True North Reports. Mikey has taken to GOING ALL CAPS in his Tweets to emphasize, I don’t know, the seriousness? The drama? The testeria?

He has officially (to the extent that Twitter is legally binding) put LAWMAKERS ON NOTICE that If they make him wear a mask, by golly, they’re threatening his Constitutional rights. Yep, right there in our founding document: The God-given right to enter any building barefaced. And he’s not going to sit quietly outside the door, nosirree. He’s going to [checks notes] find himself a lawyer.

Ah yes, just like how America defeated Hitler by landing battalions of lawyers on the beaches of Normandy.

Take also Local Embarrassment Gone Regional Liz Cady, who sees early signs of Nazism in government recommendations — not orders, mind you — to get vaccinated. Such a snowflake.

This weenieness also works in the other direction. Their idea of fighting for a cause is laughable. Mikey takes to Twitter and uses ALL CAPS, in the grand tradition of Patrick Henry! Cady writes an op-ed for True North — and when VTDigger reaches out for comment, she doesn’t respond. That guy out west battles for liberty by getting on a conference call with Joe Biden and shouting “Let’s Go Brandon!” (And then whines about getting some blowback.) We’re not talkin’ Tienanmen Square here.

It’s funny how fragile these wannabe heroes are. For the sake of their delicate psyches, I hope they never have to experience real oppression. You know, the kind that would take away their guns, close their houses of worship, impose dusk-to-dawn curfews, ship people out to prison camps in the dead of night, and commit casual genocide at the drop of a hat.

It’s also strange that they see our political system as totally vulnerable. The Constitution is allegedly this perfect document written by God and hand-delivered by Jeebus Himself, as seen in the documentary image below.

I mean, if the Constitution was divinely ordained and all that, it ought to be strong enough to withstand the worst that humanity or the devil could throw at it. Why would anyone think it could be threatened by teaching the 1619 Project or urging people to get vaccinated? Why would wearing masks trigger the downfall of the Republic? How can a single dusty book sitting on a library shelf be a dire threat to Our Children? How on Earth could Hillary Clinton or Kamala Harris or AOC (hmm. they all seem to be women, don’t they?) tear down our sacred institutions with a single rhetorical blow?

These guys are weenies, and they see America as a weenie nation ripe for the plucking. Really, it’s a stain on authentic American heroism, which is an actual thing that has accomplished much in this world.

It’s also responsible for quite a lot of calamity, but hey, if we talk about that, our nation will go PIFF and dissolve into a small pile of sand.

These folks don’t have an Achilles heel. They are all, entirely, Achilles heel. They are phonies, and should be given all the respect they deserve.

None.