You know the funny thing about all those conservatives who carry pocket Constitutions everywhere they go, many of whom revere our founding document as divinely inspired?

The funny thing is, they have no idea what the First Amendment says or means. Are those pocket Constitutions ever actually read, or are they just fetish objects?

Latest example: The ongoing kerfuffle over a March 12 incident at the Statehouse, in which an event sponsored by the far-right Vermont Family Alliance was interrupted by a handful of dancing transgender folk. (To judge by available footage, it was the mildest, most unthreatening “disruption” I have ever seen in my life.) Eventually the meeting was shut down by the Sergeant at Arms. Conservatives instantly went into full tizzy mode over the trans folk’s alleged interference with VFA’s First Amendment rights.

I haven’t addressed this before because I thought it would go away (as it should), but the right-wing echo machine has cranked itself up to eleven. So I guess I have to explain this. Slowly.

The First Amendment guarantees your right of free speech. It does not guarantee your right to a particular platform. There is no Constitutional right to hold an event in Room 11 of the Statehouse, just as there is no Constitutional right to express your views in the pages of the New York Times or on a given social media platform or on a specific streetcorner or in a crowded theater.

The VFA folks could have gone out in the hall or out on the front lawn. Or anywhere. They didn’t have to be deterred by a few counter-protesters dancing around. Which, from available video evidence, is absolutely all they did.

Here’s another thing. The counter-protesters had just as much right to be in Room 11 as the VFA contingent. It’s a public space, open on terms established by the Legislature and Sergeant at Arms. Now, if their free expression was disruptive, they could have been subject to police action. Were they offensive enough to warrant removal or arrest? The Sergeant at Arms didn’t think so. Why? You’d have to ask her. She chose to shut the whole thing down rather than have the Capitol police remove the dancers.

If you ask me, and if you don’t I’ll go ahead anyway because this is my little First Amendment popstand, the VFA was hoping for precisely this kind of outcome. Bringing in one of only two people in America to file suit over receiving gender affirming care they later regretted is like Bell Curve genius Charles Murray being invited by campus conservatives to speak at Middlebury College. It’s a provocative act, not an educational one. (I had to look long and hard to even find out who VFA had invited to speak. They sure aren’t making a big deal about the content of her presentation. She was a MacGuffin, nothing more.)

Speaking of interference with free speech, let’s take a moment to bask in the sheer stupidity of Vermont Republican Party chair Paul Dame, who has called for the disciplining of state Reps. Mari Cordes and Jubilee McGill — well, his expertly crafted press release actually called for their “discipling,” which is a whole different kettle of fish — because they dared to post comments on Facebook. He also called on Cordes and McGill to resign from office. Which is his First Amendment right. He has the right to be stupid, and I will defend that right to the death. Or slight inconvenience, whichever comes first.

The comments were characterized by Dame as an effort to “incite and organize a ‘takeover'” of the VFA event. So what did Cordes and McGill actually do?

Well, they responded to a Facebook announcement by Middlebury Pride about a “Trans Joy Dance Party” on the Statehouse lawn, designed to be a response to the VFA event. Cordes and McGill replied positively and mentioned the time and place of the VFA event. Which, in the easily overheated mind of Paul Dame (that’s me exercising my right to call him a dunderhead), meant the two reps had “coordinated” the Room 11 protest.

You want a fact, Mr. Dame? Rep. Cordes told me she was out of state that day, nowhere near the scene of the alleged crime. If she was “coordinating” the disruption, she was operating the longest puppeteer’s strings in the history of the damn world.

This story has been absolutely beaten to a pulp by the conservative “news” outlet Vermont Daily Chronicle, which knows when it’s got a bloody shirt it can wave. Even if, on closer examination, it turns out the “blood” was drawn by a red Sharpie. VDC chief Guy Page rarely gets much attention for his enterprise, so he’ll keep on flogging this thing as long as he possibly can. The screenshot at the top of this post was taken from a VDC video which labeled the mild protest “CHAOS.” Let me tell you, that word does not mean what they think it means.

Page also, by the by, referred to the dancers as “biological males wearing women’s clothing.” Since he claims to be a journalist, I trust he did his due diligence on that point. Did he have a peek under their crinolines? Did his spidey sense detect the presence of wedding tackle inside them bloomers? Did he reach under their petticoats and place a manly grasp on their dainty parts?

Because otherwise, how does he know?

Here’s another First Amendment factoid you can stuff in your shorts. Those dancers had the absolute right to wear whatever kind of clothing they wanted to, even if it didn’t conform to Page’s opinion of their gender or his apparent belief that the split between the men’s and women’s section of your local Target was divinely ordained.

Now, lest Mr. Page accuse me of retroactively fomenting disruption, let me say again that the dancers were interfering with an event in a public space and could have been removed or arrested if the authorities determined that their speech was overstepping legal bounds. Indeed, we would all have been better off if the VFA had just been allowed to proceed with their ridiculous little charade, oops, I mean expression of free speech. It would have been long forgotten by now.

But you know, transgender folk are constantly under attack by the current administration. Their ability to freely express their identity is threatened. Their very existence is denied by official federal policy. This regime is moving trans women into men’s prisons, interfering with trans folks’ ability to travel without fear, and trying to kick them out of the military. It is trying to erase trans folk from government documentation of our nation’s history. It has blocked the free speech rights of federal employees to display Pride symbols. I can understand if the gender-nonconforming are feeling a little bit salty these days, and if their expressions of free speech don’t always stay within the imaginary lines drawn by the Guy Pages of the world.

Of all the things one could be outraged about these days, PANIC! At the Statehouse is way, way, waaaaaaaay down on the list. Just shut up already.