It’s not that I don’t keep an eye out for the Bennington Battle Monument when I find myself taking the 279 bypass. And yes, “the 306 foot commemorative shaft” has been a feature of the local landscape for 134 years, and we do love us a long-established structure no matter its innate attractiveness or real-world feasibility. And yes, it does commemorate Vermont’s Revolutionary War-adjacent moment of relevance… although I do have to wonder if the second most phallic public structure in the world* (unofficial status) isn’t just a little bit triggering for some passers-by.

*See below.

But the news that the Monument was made of the wrong kind of stone, leaving its signature tumescence in need of restoration to the tune of at least $40 million? (The story appeared on VTDigger over the weekend, more than a month after it was initially reported by the Vermont Daily Chronicle.) It makes me conclude that we shouldn’t bother saving this Gilded Age tribute to toxic masculinity. I say tear the bloody thing down. Find another way to memorialize the battle if you must. Don’t waste tens of millions of dollars on an edifice that manages to combine ugliness with impracticality.

What could be more impractical than a massive outdoor monument constructed of highly absorbent limestone? In a state known for its granite and marble quarries, no less? The result: the ponderous pecker is sodden with an estimated 66,000 gallons of water. Given that fact, I suppose it’s surprising that it hasn’t already drooped over like a “Before” image in a Cialis ad.

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