Question. Did Justin Heilenbach take a PR class taught by Craig McGaughan? Because the president of Citizen Cider has pulled off a comms faceplant the likes of which hasn’t been seen in these parts since McGaughan opened a gay bar called Mister Sister and responded to the backlash by staunchly defending his choice until it killed his business.

Citizen Cider has been taking it in the shorts for more than a month. A substantial number of employees have anonymously reported leaving the company over the marketing campaign for Hey Bub, which seemed to position the brew somewhere to the right of Bud Light, a curious choice for a Burlington-based artisanal outfit. Many ex-employees shared their experiences and views on Reddit. Then came a meaty Seven Days exposé and a slamtastic video from Burlington shit-kicker Jonny Wanzer, leading to his very successful campaign to encourage retailers and bars to stop selling Citizen Cider products.

Throughout it all, radio silence from Citizen Cider. Until last Wednesday, when Heilenbach dropped a thoroughly tone-deaf statement on social media.

In retrospect, he should have just kept quiet.

His statement was a master class in what not to do in a PR firestorm. Indeed, it seemed tailored to fan the specific flames of this specific calamity.

It began with a defense of Citizen Cider’s corporate culture, “built on the foundation of diverse people, interests, and ideas.” Then came a belittling reference to “perspectives and misinformation being shared on social media platforms.”

That’s an odd construct. It allows a bit of judgment-free space for those with negative experiences, but makes no effort to differentiate between their views and “misinformation.”

Next, the deliberately vague admission of responsibility: unspecified “faults in our company’s communication channels.” No issues with company leadership, just a misalignment in the gears and pulleys. Purely a mechanical issue, folks, and “we have made systematic changes to prevent this from happening in the future.” No details, of course.

Having taken care of what John Ehrlichman called the “modified limited hang out,” Citizen Cider took a lengthy soak in the soothing waters of innocent victimhood. “Anonymous claims made on social media” have led to threats and anonymous accusations aimed at staff, partners and retailers, the real victims in this self-serving tale.

Here’s where it gets confusing. CC has, according to itself, already repaired the “faults in our company’s communication channels.” But now it’s bringing in “a 3rd party organization to evaluate personnel policies, internal practices, interview employees and share their findings.”

Wait. If everything’s hunky-dory, why hire an outside firm?

The obvious answer is to rubber-stamp the company’s account. But it already has a massive trust issue with the community. A review bought and paid for by CC itself isn’t going to reassure anybody. Especially when Heilenbach is refusing to open the door even a little bit. After the statement was posted, he did not respond to interview request from VTDigger and the Burlington Free Press, and would only consent to a phone interview with WCAX-TV. No cameras, please.

The statement, in all its self-serving glory, is meant to stand on its own. That’s not going to quell the controversy. There’s way too much smoke for CC to convincingly assert that there’s no fire. The “perspectives and misinformation” may be anonymous, but there are far too many accounts telling the same story. The evidence is strong enough to convince dozens and dozens of CC’s bottom line-oriented wholesale customers. That takes some doing.

Then there’s the trigger for this whole mess: the Hey Bub marketing campaign, with its Hardworkin’ Manly Man iconography and its bordering-on-misogyny sloganeering: “Hooking Up,” “Get Plowed,” “Keep It Trimmed”. The campaign, not to mention the very idea of venturing into a crowded and declining light beer market, is symptomatic of corporate leadership that insulates itself from outside perspectives and loves the smell of its own farts. Just the kind of folks who’d blunder their way into a mass walkout and a PR disaster.

Citizen Cider didn’t respond when former employees took to Reddit, or when Wanzer and Seven Days posted their pieces. It responded only when the boycott started seriously affecting its bottom line. And it responded by denying any wrongdoing and using its employees and business partners as human shields.

Its statement puts CC firmly in the perilous territory of “it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up.” The key to successful crisis communications is getting out in front of the story. So far, Citizen Cider is way behind. If it doesn’t change course quickly and convincingly, it may well join Mister Sister in the flaming dumpster of history.